I have no dietary authority, just opinions and ideas. So you don’t have to listen to my amazing diet suggestions. But I strongly recommend you do. Because they’re awesome.
Amanda’s Amazing diet plan consists of two simple rules:
- Don’t eat shit
- Move your ass
It’s explicit because you need tough love to get the idea across. Plus, who wants to eat shit?
I’m sure you’ll have many questions regarding these two rules.
Question 1: What counts as shit?
Good question. Shit is most anything that comes from a fast food restaurant. Even salads. I just don’t trust them. Fried chicken shouldn’t be on a salad. Shit also counts as eating too much of any one thing. I saw a TV show where an overweight man couldn’t figure out why he wasn’t losing weight. “I’ve been eating oranges!” he exclaimed. Eating 16 oranges for a meal doesn’t count as eating healthy.
Same goes for 16 brownies, sliders, and beers. Vary your food and eat it in moderation. If you eat a small amount of a variety of food, you’ll probably have a meal with more complete nutrition.
Question 2: What doesn’t count as shit?
The lines between shit and non-shit are blurry (as with the previous orange example). There are many distinctions you’ll have to learn for yourself. In general, you should up your fruit and veggies. Did that meal you just ate have any fruits or vegetables? If not, it was probably a shit meal.
Just about anything you cook for yourself at home is not shit. There are some examples of cooking shit for yourself that isn’t good. Case in point, I made some sodium-laden fried gnocchi and I could feel my arteries working harder as I ate. Just because I peeled and mashed the potatoes myself doesn’t mean it was healthy. Additionally, if all you make for yourself are cinnamon rolls and chocolate cake… that is also shit.
Bonus time! Cooking for yourself helps accomplish rule 2, “Move your ass”. While cooking you’re up and about, going hither and thither, while if you eat dinner sitting at a restaurant well, you’re just sitting. Also, when cooking you become more conscious of what you eat, good and bad. Plus, it allows you to really enjoy your food because you put the effort into making it. You’ll realize you’ll start thinking things like, “I put too much time into this damn pizza crust and we will scrape this doughy mess off the wax paper and eat it raw if it kills us!” One exception to the “Don’t eat shit rule” - if your homemade recipe turns into an inedible disaster, getting take out is OK.
Move your ass means stop driving around the parking lot for 10 minutes to get the closest spot. Just pull into the lot and pick the first spot you see and walk the extra couple of yards. It won’t kill you. Also, work activity into your day that makes you more active. Get up and talk to someone at work instead of calling or emailing. Take the stairs when you can. Go for walks, after dinner, after breakfast, during your lunch break.
Flexing your abs while you watch TV doesn’t fulfill rule number 2. Speak of… turn off your damn TV. It’ll suck you in until you didn’t realize its midnight and you haven’t moved for the past four hours. I know because I’ve been there. Gyms and stuff are nice, but our skinny-assed ancestors didn’t go to the Y four times a week. They just worked hard and were thin because there was no other way.
At this point I realize this is not really a diet plan, it’s a lifestyle plan. There is overwhelming evidence that says you can’t be healthy by improving just diet or exercising more. You have to change both at the same time to improve your health.
One last tidbit and it’s something that really irks me: STOP MAKING EXCUSES. “I’m too tired, we don’t have all the ingredients, it’s too late, I have a cold, I’m in a hurry.” It’s all bullshit. If you keep making excuses, you’ll never make it a habit and you’ll never get where you want to be.
Now go outside and play.
